Anyone who has planned a wedding over the past decade knows how expensive it is. Between rising inflation, ever-expanding guest lists, family pressure, and a wedding industry which preys on social media perfectionism, cost-conscious couples are choosing to cohabitate, despite evidence that marriage confers greater financial benefits over time. While many couples believe that getting married before settling into a career, buying a car, or buying a house will set them back financially, it’s statistically more likely that not getting married will adversely affect their earning power and overall stability. Even more important than accepting marriage as a calculated risk with future financial benefits is welcoming the commitment that marriage brings. Weddings should not be an impediment to this, but an ushering-in of a unique, lifelong commitment between in which two learn to become one in light of their wedding vows, with the help of family and friends.
Microweddings and Minimonies
In February 2022, Tammy La Gorce of The New York Times noted a surge in wedding ceremonies following a mass postponement due to COVID-19 protocols. Many of these fit the description of a “microwedding,” a trend which took off during the pandemic and shows no signs of stopping in 2023. Though some couples have opted for this more intimate celebration in order to splurge on destinations, expensive catering and design elements, most are embracing it – and its close cousin, the “minimony” – to ease the incredible financial burden of hosting a large gathering. La Gorce suggests a positive development: couples are forgoing “pomp” in favor of sharing a “sense of gratitude and meaning” with their guests. Though the large, traditional wedding gathering seems to be in decline, more couples are choosing to highlight elements essential to the couple – some superficial and some tied to deeply-held values and religious beliefs. However, the tiny wedding trend also represents the downside of our divided, post-COVID moment in which an overall loss of shared culture, tradition, and real-time interaction is eroding the historical understanding of marriage as a public institution.
The Public Meaning of Marriage
Though the public nature of marriage has been gradually downplayed over the past century, there is ample evidence to confirm that marriage, though contracted by individuals, concerns the broader community as well. Marriage ceremonies have, at least historically, always been the concern of a larger community – both those unrelated to the couple as well as family members and any potential children the couple may have. Though marriage has been severed from procreation due to the cultural changes wrought by the Sexual Revolution, the public implications of marriage have never been clearer: children born into stable marriages between their biological parents experience better overall outcomes than their peers from single- or cohabiting parent households. Furthermore, and despite a recent increase in family estrangement, couples still depend on – and seem to desire – at least some form of public validation of their union. The push for states to acknowledge same-sex marriages contracted out-of-state, as articulated in the dubiously named Respect for Marriage Act, is evidence that this is still the case.
The Clout of Witnesses
In an Institute for Family Studies blog post back in 2018, Scott Stanley and Galena Rhoades found that higher guest attendance is linked with higher marital quality – “even when […] controll[ing] for factors such as education, religiosity, race, and income.” They cite the work of psychologist Charles Kiesler, who found that “commitment is strengthened when it is publicly declared because individuals strive to maintain consistency between what they say and what they do.” Social scientist Paul Rosenblatt, whom they also cite, also theorized that “early in a marriage, marital stability and commitment would be positively associated with the ceremonial effort and public nature of a couple’s wedding,” and that “holding a big wedding with many witnesses would lead to a stronger desire – or even need – to follow through on the commitment.” Of course, ensuring couples host giant weddings isn’t a magic bullet. One might argue that a larger wedding, with all the logistical and emotional baggage that comes with it, could lead couples to focus too intensely on the public implications of their union at the expense of true commitment.
Make a Visible Commitment
Stanely and Rhoades offer this helpful line from a 2015 paper by Andrew Francis-Tan and Hugo M. Mialon: “the types of weddings associated with the lower likelihood of divorce are those that are relatively inexpensive but are high in attendance.” In other words, if you’re planning a wedding, try to strike a happy balance between your guest list and your wallet. Don’t drop your life savings on a destination wedding, “balloon arches” and fancy hors d’œuvres – or elaborate bachelor and bachelorette parties which can lay a financial burden on friends and relatives – but don’t invite everyone you’ve ever met either. Few are in danger of doing the latter these days, with the emphasis in marriage ceremonies erring so heavily on the side of privacy and personal authenticity. But the former is all too common, especially at a time when the pressure to perform soars as high as inflation. The important thing is to do whatever it takes to make your commitment a visible reality to which you are held accountable. Remember that your marriage is ultimately not only about you, but what you can do for your spouse. As such, it is also a testament to those in your lives who truly care for you and desire your success. Though you don’t answer to them, they will be faithful witnesses as you attempt to live out a faithful, happy marriage – the greatest and probably most challenging undertaking of your life. May your wedding reflect and respect this reality, as well as your wallet
