As it happens each year, this Father’s Day occasioned appreciation for fathers, as well as laments of fatherlessness. Various outlets reiterated the benefits of father involvement for boys, citing well-known research that boys with fathers enjoy more positive outcomes on nearly every measure than do their fatherless peers. This Father’s Day also took on another meaning as two boys suffering father absence committed atrocious acts of violence in Buffalo, NY and Uvalde, TX. Jordan Peterson, the Canadian clinical psychologist whose video lectures catapulted him into the mainstream, recently tackled this tricky subject in an interview with American political scientist Warren Farrell, whose book The Boy Crisis attempts to understand the loss of purpose and lower levels of achievement experienced by modern American boys.
The Crisis of Masculinity
“Of the six mass shooters who have been school shooters in 21st century,” Peterson explains, “all were dad-deprived boys.” Father involvement is so important that it even affects children on the chromosomal level – those who grow up without fathers develop shorter telomeres at nine years old than their peers with fathers, and shorter telomeres are associated with an earlier onset of senescence. Fatherlessness is a common problem across America, and it is only getting worse with the rising share of single mothers and out-of-wedlock births. On top of the father shortage and with all its adverse outcomes for children, Farrell says, the message communicated in culture and in schools is that masculinity is toxic, a “pathology to be medicated.” When he asked a high school sophomore boy what he learns about gender and sexuality in school, he says his teachers talk about patriarchy, white male oppressors, male privilege, the future is female. When boys are taught that sexual difference is neither positive nor neutral, but an evil to be blotted out, says Peterson, “male competence or power” can be misconstrued for “compulsion.” He also argues that affirmative consent laws on the table across the United States will continue to blur the lines between expressions of male will and male violence. And with masculine aggression (healthy or not) so often framed as oppression, it becomes harder to recognize the depression and pain boys suffer.
A Desire for Revenge
Farrell told the story of a young Hispanic boy who grew up fatherless, bouncing around various female relatives’ homes, until he felt so devoid of structure and purpose that he became involved with a fascist group which he felt gave him the respect and male guidance he desired. After writing a 52-page manifesto and shooting plan, he stumbled across The Boy Crisis. The boy reached out to Farrell in gratitude for turning his mind away from his plan, saying “it wasn’t the data that got me, it was being seen.” Farrell explains that the boy lost his energy and interest in committing a violent act precisely because his vulnerabilities had been noticed and understood. He no longer had the desire to “perform” a violent act for a mass audience in an effort to gain popularity, a commonality shared by all school shooters. “These boys are not popular,” Peterson says, “not attractive to potential mates, very frustrated and lonely…they have violent fantasies motivated by thoughts of revenge toward bullies.” Both Peterson and Farrell worry that by simultaneously ignoring the plight of vulnerable boys and publicizing the names of infamous shooters, we unintentionally encourage such violent acts as those of Buffalo and Uvalde. Moreover, when we fail as a society to cultivate young boys into virtuous men – instead fixating on their supposed failures and propensity toward violence – we set them up for feelings of inadequacy and rejection, the possible outlet of which could be negative forms of attention-seeking.
Modeling Healthy Masculinity
Young boys today face an uphill battle when it comes to discipline, confidence, and self-sufficiency. We do them a disservice by neglecting the masculine virtues in favor of legislated empathy. Affirmative action laws, college sexual assault policies, and the near-constant accusations of misogyny inculcate a fear of risk in boys – leading to adverse affects for them as well as for women and their relationships. Fewer men than ever feel prepared to become devoted husbands, fathers, and leaders. It all starts in the home, where mothers and fathers are needed to embody different types of love. Peterson says that women tend to be more agreeable, a trait well-suited for infant care. Fathers, on the other hand, are more likely to see unconditional love as involving “conditional approval.” In other words, while mothers tend to focus on nourishment and acceptance of their children, fathers tend to teach competence and responsibility. Both approaches are necessary to a child’s healthy development and confidence. When it comes to sons, fathers can model healthy masculinity by enforcing boundaries and setting reasonable expectations, including respect for women, elders, and authorities. Empathy can only go so far without discipline and a sense of purpose – something educators and influencers would do well to remember. To bring back a more positive vision of masculinity, we can begin by talking about and meeting our boys’ needs. You can do it by sharing Peterson and Farrell’s fascinating interview.
