Friendship, and our need for it, is as ancient as humanity itself. The ancient Mesopotamian Epic of Gilgamesh, written sometime between 2100 and 1200 BC, poignantly illustrates how love in friendship even transcends death. Though the gods condemn Enkidu to death in retaliation for killing the Bull of Heaven, his loss spurs Gilgamesh on the perilous journey to discovering eternal life. The poem illustrates the power of friendship to transform one’s very person, and set one on the road to a life previously unimaginable. In his classic work The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis describes true friendship as “unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself.”
Best Friends Do Nothing For You
At the same time, and as Arthur Brooks writes this morning for the Atlantic, “decades of research have shown that it is almost impossible to be happy without friend.” How can it be that friendship is at once superfluous and yet utterly vital? The title of Brooks’ article cuts right to the heart of the paradox: “the best friends can do nothing for you.” That is, the best kinds of friends are those “we don’t need” but simply “love.” This is because true friendships are “pursued for their own sake, and not instrumental to anything else.” They are “complete” insofar as they are pursued for no reason other than that they are good, and the friend pursued is good in him or herself. Brooks explains the difference between these real friendships and what he calls “deal friendships” – relationships of expediency which are instrumental to achieving something else, whether that’s social status, career advancement, or a particular kind of service.
Friendship is Vital to Our Happiness
However, that’s not to say that true friendships are always devoid of utility or pleasure. From research and experience, we know that friendship is an essential component of human thriving. A spirit of true friendship is what marks a satisfying platonic or marital relationship; an intact, stable family; a community of interdependent persons. Without it, we are prone to loneliness and indifference. We experience worse health and mental health outcomes. Friendship brings meaning to our lives not simply because it’s nice or entertaining, but because it calls us to live for something or someone beyond ourselves, to recognize and sacrifice for the goods outside of us.
Evaluating Where We Are
If you feel that your friendships may be somehow lacking or less “true” than they could be, we have a few suggestions built off Brooks’ ideas. First, recover a deep sense that friendship requires willingness to self-disclose and practice vulnerability. A true friend is one with whom you are willing to share personal details, including all the joys and trials of life. Second, if your friendships have grown superficial or you’re not inclined to speak your mind, invite your friend to discuss things that matter – Brooks suggests “happiness, love, and spirituality.” This will effectively show you whether or not a friendship is truly “complete.” Lastly, make friendships in places “unrelated to your worldly ambitions,” whether that’s a place of worship, leisure, or charity. Set aside time for thinking about and doing things other than your work, and free yourself from the need for constant achievement. Allow time and space to cultivate a posture against necessity, where you are more likely to discover true intimacy and the kind of friendship that brings lasting joy.
