Matthew Fray wants to warn all husbands before it’s too late: when it comes to marriage, sweat the small stuff. Fray, who penned the widely circulated “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By the Sink,” knows a thing or two about divorce. “I didn’t respect my wife’s thoughts and feelings about things I mistakenly believed didn’t matter” – namely, leaving his glass by the sink for later use despite her entreaties – “I didn’t realize it until much too late: Good men can be bad husbands.” Today, he is a relationship coach who advises men on how to be better husbands. But while his work seeks to warn absent-minded husbands against dismissing their wives’ needs and wants, Fray’s contention reveals a deeper issue at hand in marriages today.
Is It Misogyny?
Fray’s new book This Is How Your Marriage Ends has been given a surprising amount of attention by the media, including a spot in The Atlantic‘s family column. But not all reviews have been positive. A contributing student writer to The Harvard Crimson recently gave it “1 star” for its failure to “consider the perspective of women.” Far from a relationship guide, she contends, Fray “infantilizes and vilifies women” by making them out to be emotionally irrational and incapable of reasoning. Furthermore, the writer finds it unpalatable that Fray has built an entire career off of his wife’s ill-treatment. While it is surely unreasonable to go so far as to call Fray a “hypocrite” and a “misogynist” for advising men to honor his wife’s feelings and preferences, the author’s sense that something is amiss in Fray’s hyper-apologetic approach bears closer examination.
What’s the Real Problem?
Reading “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By the Sink,” many commentators questioned Fray’s readiness to brand himself a “bad husband” for something so silly as not putting away his glass. Fray believes those skeptics miss the entire point: “Your partner cares deeply about things. You will not always care about those same things. But in marriage, you RESPECT the things your partner cares about, even if you don’t also care.” For Fray, the glass he failed to put away time and again represents the little ways in which spouses brush aside each other’s concerns. But the reason why Fray’s metaphor is lost on some is that “honoring the experience” of your spouse can sound a lot like appeasement. It can sound like giving in to unreasonable demands made by a person who is not willing to give themselves. The Crimson writer and critical commenters share the sense that spouses should be equals, coming into a marriage with a shared purpose and rightly-ordered priorities. The metaphor of the glass is limited because it does not tell us what a healthy marriage is or looks like. It is an after-the-fact realization and regret, but not a universal solution.
Sweat the Small Stuff (But Not Too Much)
The takeaway is: sweat the small stuff, but not too much. Honor your spouse, not their mercurial “experience.” Strive to understand and love them, anticipating their needs and wants before they have to ask. Give lavishly without edging for personal gain. Share in their struggles and successes. If your attempts fail because of ignorance or human weakness, ask forgiveness and try again. Create space for your spouse even in their imperfection, because in your imperfection you would expect the same from them. In today’s world, fear of commitment goes hand in hand with fear of rejection, as love is always and everywhere a great risk to oneself. Without love, however, we can end up married not to another but ourselves and our “experience,” unwilling to change or be changed for the better. The deeper issue at the root of divorce, which Fray’s metaphor of the glass hints at, has more to do with mutual priorities and fidelity to vows than catering to personal preference. The truth is that the mess in our kitchen does not have to mean failure, just as the glass by the sink does not have to mean the end of a marriage. It can be a prompting to love better and grow together, for life.
