In 2015, Jon Birger captured the attention of newspapers, women’s magazines, and college publications with his book Date-onomics: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game. Using economics, statistics, and psychology, Birger shows how a skewed sex ratio in American society has put college-educated women at a disadvantage as they look for a long-term partner. “There have been multiple studies showing that college-educated Americans are increasingly unlikely to marry someone lacking a college degree,” Birger noted in an interview with Glamour Magazine. Moreover, the influence of hookup culture over people’s long-term preferences spells frustration for those actively seeking serious partners and a loss of time for those who don’t realize they desire a deeper commitment.
From Date-onomics to Make Your Move
In Feburary 2021, Birger released a sort of companion read to Date-onomics, titled Make Your Move: The New Science of Dating and Why Women Are In Charge. Make Your Move takes on a different tone, urging women to be proactive and “flip the script” on what has been traditionally done and accepted. While expectations for dating may be more nebulous than in the past, there’s new freedom for women to be bold and approach a guy they like, even if he hasn’t given any overt indication of interest. In an interview with Verily Magazine’s Editor-in-Chief Meg McDonnell over at the Institute for Family Studies, she asks Birger what women can do to move their dating lives forward. Birger gives the following advice, which we’ll leave up to our male readers to confirm:
“Don’t do what guys do. Don’t overthink. Don’t start worrying whether the guy you’ve always liked from work, from church, from the dog park, etc. will become less interested in you the moment you show interest in him. Trust me, that’s unlikely. The secret about men is that men like women who like them.”
Widening Your Dating Pool
So you’re willing to approach someone and ask them out, but it seems that there’s no one left to ask! To widen your dating pool, you may have to use your imagination and step outside your comfort zone. Expand your notions of the “type” of person you think you’d want or with whom you’d be compatible. To Birger, this could mean expanding your geographical location, or being open to dating someone with a different educational or socioeconomic background than you. Ask friends if they know anyone at work or locally they could set you up with, or join them doing an activity that they love where you might meet someone. If you’re in the city, look to the suburbs. If online dating proves unsuccessful, Aaron Renn’s advice applies equally to women as it does to men: “date local” by approaching a real-life friend or acquaintance that you like and could imagine yourself dating. In the meantime, hold fast to what you believe and deeply desire – don’t ever place yourself in a situation where you’re being asked to sacrifice your guiding values and vision.
Sometimes, It Just Takes Time
No advice is foolproof, and no one can tell you exactly when, whether, or how you’ll meet the person you’re meant to be with. Right now, if you’re fed up with dating, the hookup culture, or feeling hopeless about when the right guy will suddenly appear, don’t worry. The best thing you can do is continue living your best life, immersing yourself in work and activities that you love and that bring you peace. Throw yourself into the intimate relationships you have with friends and family. Once you’re recharged and ready to get back out there, say yes to that invitation, to that event, to that date – don’t be afraid! Every interaction, every encounter leads you closer to where you’re meant to be. If you’re currently in a committed relationship and want to get married, but things don’t seem to be moving forward, don’t be afraid to ask about it. As Birger writes,
“A marriage proposal is a question, not a demand. You’re not threatening to leave him. You’re telling him you want to spend the rest of your life with him. What guy wouldn’t be touched to hear that? And if he’s not touched? Well, at least you know he’s not the right guy for you, and you won’t be wasting another year on a guy who can’t commit.”
