This Valentine’s Day, Harvard undergraduates received their results from Datamatch, a digital matchmaking algorithm which connects students based on compatibility. According to The Harvard Crimson, Datamatch had conducted a survey which covered “everything from their roommates’ romantic lives to their first Wordle guesses in an attempt to match them with their soulmates, platonic or otherwise.” The popularity of Datamatch on campus – nearly 4,500 undergraduates participated this year – reveals students’ perennial desire for companionship. While some of these students may be hoping for a night of fun, others may be hoping for “the One.” But searching for “the One” on the basis of compatibility might not be a perfect dating strategy, as philosophy professor Anastasia Berg and The Point editor Rachel Wiseman explain in their Atlantic piece the “The Paradox of Slow Love.” This “slow love,” characteristic of Gen Z’s passive approach to relationships, lacks the direction which marriage as an end goal provides.
Gen Z, Looking for Love
Over the past ten or so years, Millennials have been succeeded by Gen Z’ers. Older cohorts had criticized the way opposite-sex Millennials had sought intimacy with each other through hookup culture. Today, they take issue not so much with hookup culture as with the ambivalence of Gen Z. Hookup culture has to an extent fallen out of favor with a generation unsure whether they’re even “committed to being committed.” Raised in an era with more divorce and more upheaval, the institution of marriage appears unreliable and outdated to most Gen Z’ers. However, this does not mean that Gen Z isn’t looking for love – it’s just that they lack a common set of norms and expectations that would make finding a suitable partner plausible, let alone preferable. The lines Berg and Wiseman cite from Jane Austen’s Persuasion thus feel far removed from the experience of most Gen Z’ers:
“They were gradually acquainted, and when acquainted, rapidly and deeply in love. It would be difficult to say which had seen the highest perfection in the other, or which had been the happiest: she, in receiving his declarations and proposals, or he in having them accepted.”
The mysterious reflexivity of the engaged couple in love stands in stark contrast to the anxious young person who regards commitment itself with ambivalence, if not outright suspicion. How could one possibly achieve the happy unknowing of this aforementioned couple, of whom the narrator is unsure “which [of them] had seen the highest perfection in other, or which had been the happiest…in receiving…declarations and proposals…or having accepted”? How could one know, in an age when sex itself is apparently up for questioning?
Living in the Black Mirror
Gen Z has often been described as the most online and most anxious generation, having come of age after the Internet Revolution. Who wouldn’t be, with the number of options (and let’s be honest, distractions) put before them. Like Jean Baudrillard’s simulacrum, Gen Z lives in a postmodern world of imitation and artifice, embodied by the ubiquity of screens (our very own “black mirrors“), where reality proceeds from our online experiences. The notion that one may have an identity beyond biology and beyond the physical body can only begin to be taken seriously in a world where such a thing is true. Twitter does influence political discourse, whether or not the politics itself is “more real” than the Twitterverse. It’s hard to forge relationships in the real world when people and relationships themselves are shaped by forces of culture beyond their control, and indeed, the online world has affected the way people think about and pursue love. Being disposed to swipe right or left on someone, or to calibrate compatibility via algorithm, leaves little wiggle room for real discernment. As Berg and Wiseman write,
What may seem like a mature and thoughtful approach to dating might instead be just another manifestation of anxiety—an overwhelming focus on maintaining agency over one’s romantic life; a reluctance to foreclose one’s options; an attempt to stay in control, protect oneself, and never become the victim of circumstance. It might very well be that caution, far from being the key to successful attachment, is an obstacle in its own right.
While slow love may appear wise and deliberate, it could also be a way of putting up walls, avoiding the awkwardness and responsibility of proposing commitment. Gen Z’s self-professed liberation from commitment, far from signaling the end of desire for marriage, has merely postponed it. Waiting deep down for “the One” begins to look more like waiting for a sign of one’s own readiness than an intentional approach toward the goal of loving union.
Ditch Directionless Dating
For all the Gen Z’ers out there, it’s important you know that compatibility can be a false idol. Be open to the possibility that your own perceptions of yourself and what you like might be wrong, because sometimes in seeking the perfect person for you, you won’t truly get to know the person in front of you. If you’re already dating someone, really consider the nature of your relationship and where things are headed. If you’re not dating but are interested in a relationship, don’t be afraid to ask someone out and be bold in stating what you want in life. Want to get married? Want kids? Be forthright and let your date know. It can’t hurt, and you may also help him or her clarify what they want too. Follow John Van Epp’s Relationship Attachment Model and seek to know the other person gradually and well, so that if you decide to be with them for the long run, you’ll have reasonable expectations and the makings of a better spouse. Remember that taking it slow doesn’t mean dragging your feet, but it should absolutely mean setting boundaries on the physical aspects of your relationship. Above all, never lose sight of the possibility of commitment at every step of your dating journey with someone – you, and they, will appreciate this thoughtfulness later.
