Dating doesn’t stop once you’re married. In fact, according to figures from a new report by UVA’s National Marriage Project, dating well grows even more crucial as you navigate life’s mountains and valleys together. Of the 2,000 U.S. couples surveyed about their dating frequency, 52% reported “never or rarely going out on dates.” while 48% reported regular dates “at least once or twice a month.” As Alysse ElHage at the Institute for Family Studies explains, those couples who made time for regular date nights were “14 to 15 percentage points more likely to report being ‘very happy’ in their marriages compared to those who reported less regular date nights.” Far from simply taking a “night out away from the kids,” regular dating in marriage would seem to indicate greater intentionality and thus stability in the marriage itself.
Childhood Experiences Give Us an Idea of Marriage
Despite hitting a 50-year low in 2019, the divorce rate in the United States remains significant – 14.9 out of 1,000 marriages end in divorce. We know from popular culture and experience that marriage is difficult, but how much have we learned what it takes to cultivate a marital relationship? Most people’s first experience of marriage is that between their parents. Setting aside the fact that many of today’s children aren’t being raised by their married biological parents, many of those who were might have witnessed unresolved conflict, stunted communication, or divorce in their childhood. Furthermore, of those parents who enjoyed relatively peaceful and stable marriages, how many actively communicated to their children those values which allowed them to remain happily married? In light of the rapidly decreasing U.S. marriage rate and very recent Pew surveys, it seems that today’s parents are less concerned about encouraging their children to pursue marriage and family.
Parents Should Pass On Marital Values to Their Children
If fewer parents care about their children getting married and even fewer are regularly dating themselves, children and young adults are literally left to their own devices to figure it out. Rather than receiving face-to-face, personalized guidance from adults who love them, they are learning how to do it from peers, porn, and apps – which don’t always respect personal dignity or embodiment. Dating, rather than a means of getting to know someone who could become your future spouse, has become an end in itself. So many are stuck in limbo, unsure of how to pursue someone, unable to foster intimate conversation or connection. Even if a majority of young, single people aren’t dating to get married, where does that leave those who do hope for marriage someday? If you are one of these, take heart in knowing that dating is a skill which takes practice. Even and perhaps especially married couples who rediscover dating after a long hiatus can be awkwardly rusty. While you have the chance now, think about ways you can improve in intentionality, honesty, punctuality, and integrity, virtues which will serve you well in dating as in marriage.
Your Dating Journey Is Not in Vain
Much of the marital and general relational dysfunction we see today is probably due to the hurdles couples face in communicating their desire for connection amidst the bustle and high stakes of daily living. If you’re currently single, know that whatever you can do to cultivate the proper disposition in dating will serve you well in marriage, when the stakes and stressors can be extremely high. Practicing the virtues is key to establishing a strong foundation for marriage. For example, the practice of chastity becomes highly practical in marriage, as there are countless instances where illness, recovery from childbirth, and more will call for periods of abstinence. If you find dating to be difficult, don’t feel discouraged – you are putting the work in to prepare yourself for the difficult periods of marriage, which requires a hefty dose of intentionality and self-discipline in order to love your spouse well. So many people dread the dating limbo and look forward to the certainty of marriage, but the truth is that giving yourself to your spouse in marriage will call for the hopeful endurance you’re cultivating now in this season. Just as when you’re single, dating in marriage should be intentional yet lighthearted, a way to learn and grow with your spouse whilst fostering deeper connection amidst the stresses of daily life. Also, don’t forget that dating intentionally means knowing how to have fun and enjoy the time you’ve taken to be with that person – the ability to laugh and enjoy each other in the midst of troubles is essential in marriage and family life.
