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On May 3, The Daily Princetonian published a visual essay called “What I wish we were taught about sex and intimacy,” where a student described a freshman year experience with sex and intimacy. Entering Princeton with an ex-boyfriend behind her, she remembers calling a high school friend attending another school. Though the author had initially been swept up by a variety of exciting campus activities, she felt “pretty miserable and lonely.” Her experiences seemed to pale in comparison with those of her friend, who met “all these new people” and had a new hookup every weekend.

A New York Times story recently highlighted a “platonic marriage” between Jay Guercio and Krystle Purificato in East Islip, NY, which Guercio described as “stable, long-lasting,” and having “no conditions.” They are among a number of couples – friends – who desire the legal and social recognition that a certificate of marriage confers. We know that marriage, properly understood, is the comprehensive union of a man and a woman for life for the purpose of raising children and that friendship in marriage is undoubtedly crucial to its success. So why can’t spouses be just friends?

Last week, the New York Times published a story in its Modern Love column about polyamory, where a young woman named Silva Kuusniemi asks, My Boyfriend Has Two Partners. Should I Be His Third? In recalling her experience dating Juhana, a man with one live-in partner and another non-live-in partner, she reflects on the reasons why this doomed relationship reveals her own desire to be loved exclusively and concludes that some people like Juhana are simply polyamorous by nature. Some people, however, are wired to become disciples of “monoamorous, monotheistic” faith in a single lover.

The beginning of a new relationship indicates a couple’s desire to enter into an exclusive bond with one another apart from the group. Among the questions of how to integrate individuals’ lives and interests with each other comes the question of how to integrate the couple with the community. How this is accomplished has varied according to time, place, and custom.

This past weekend, Melanie Notkin of the New York Post chronicled the dating “hellscape” that New York City has become since the start of the pandemic last year. Masks, social distancing, curfews, and other restrictions have made it nearly impossible to meet new people, let alone meet friends and acquaintances in person. While many singles have turned to online dating, others worry that they have lost “a full year of finding love and marriage,” as one 30-year-old Brooklyn woman lamented. In a city where about 56% of its residents are singles, it is frustrating to think that a large portion are struggling to find people to date. However devastating the pandemic has been, it is not the only reason dating in 2020 was so challenging.

The late Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, in his remarks from the International Colloquium on “The Complementarity of Man and Woman” in 2014, beautifully stated the impact monogamy has had on the historical evolution of human rights:

What makes the emergence of monogamy unusual is that it is normally the case that the values of a society are those imposed on it by the ruling class. And the ruling class…stands to gain from promiscuity and polygamy, both of which multiply the chances of my genes being handed on to the next generation. From monogamy the rich and powerful lose and the poor and powerless gain. So the return of monogamy…was a real triumph for the equal dignity of all. Every bride and every groom are royalty; every home a palace when furnished with love.