Strategic dating is on the rise (or so we’re told by the Guardian), with women especially intent on setting boundaries in a world where dating can range from a coffee to a dinner, from casually seeing multiple people to being totally exclusive with another person – and may or may not include sex. Near-universal discontent with our society’s (bad) dating habits has spawned a plethora of groups dedicated to “dating strategies” broadly defined. Among these is the subreddit /r/Female Dating Strategy. Though it encourages women to establish boundaries and to be clear about their desires in dating, it does so by caricaturing men as inferior to women. How did this bitterness reach such a fever pitch, and what can we do to humanize the world of dating? Such strategies, along with others like /r/PickUpArtist, massively overcorrect for a lack of dating norms by denigrating or objectifying the opposite sex, promoting the use of others for personal pleasure, and neglecting the self-sacrifice required by true love. However, their chief failure consists in treating dating as an end in itself, rather than a means toward the end of marriage.
No Going Back to the 1950’s
It’s just as easy to fantasize about bygone eras in which social norms surrounding dating were clearer as it is to mock them. Why were men required to walk closer to the curb? Why were women to wait for the man to take initiative and ask her out? These particular norms aside, it is clear that something changed drastically in the way men and women sought each other out following the Sexual Revolution, when marriage became optional and sex outside of marriage became de-stigmatized. Marriage, and the norms which helped men and women discern in a friendly, detached way whether or not love could grow between them, were left by the wayside. Today, it’s difficult to pin down just what dating is – does it include sex, or not? At what point does one “define the relationship”? In the 1950’s, exclusivity was called “going steady,” and meant that two people were serious enough about each other to consider marriage or soon become engaged. If someone from the past wondered whether two people who are “exclusive” today intend to get married, the answer would probably be “maybe,” but more often “no, not yet.” As a result, exclusive dating leads to emotional intimacy without commitment, leading to indecision and an ill-defined relationship status.
Men, Women, and Equality
Another reason marriage has taken the back-burner to dating is that equality between the sexes is regarded differently today. Women have more personal and financial freedoms than they did in the past. Furthermore, they are being educated and working in greater numbers than ever before. In light of these massive shifts in the workforce, expectations have also shifted. But just because women have more material power than they did previously, doesn’t mean they wouldn’t appreciate a man picking up the bill. However, in addition to the absence of clear dating norms, it’s also unclear to men whether women would feel patronized by chivalrous gestures – which some might sooner call politeness, consideration, and common decency. Is it a sign of inequality for a man to open a door for a woman? Though women today lament the apparent lack of male consideration in dating, the loudest of female factions declare that strong women don’t need a man, and that chivalric attitudes and actions may in fact be sexist. While men themselves thus risk offending their dates by opening the door or by not opening the door, women are either put off or disappointed depending on their own preferences. This turns “casual dating” (dating without sex, emotional intimacy, or the immediate promise of exclusivity) into a minefield, where unmarried men and women must decode each other without the aid of shared code for behavior, let alone the logic behind dating as an activity.
Bring Back Dating in 2021
On Valentine’s Day back in 2015, Love and Fidelity Network students across the country launched a poster series with tips on how to ask someone out on a successful, well-planned date. The following year in 2016, they led another campaign to bring dating back, offering tips and encouragement. Their goal with both campaigns was to restore a healthy dating culture by encouraging their peers to keep it casual, make efforts to be considerate, and have fun in a low-key way outside the realm of hookups and emotional exclusivity. This year, we’d like to challenge our students: view dating not as an exclusive status, but as an activity that helps you clarify your relationship to others and theirs to you. Embrace casual dating as a fun, friendly way to meet and learn about others, seeking to know them as they are and not as you would wish them to be (however tempting that is). Prioritize your friends and family, passions and interests. Be honest and upfront about your desires. Don’t play games or string people along. Have fun, but don’t use flirtation to ensnare or self-aggrandize. Lastly, take your time to understand what you really want, and don’t get too serious too quickly. We can’t, and shouldn’t want to, bring back 1950’s dating. We should, however, seek to be humble and considerate in every interaction, and reintroduce these qualities to how we talk about, pursue, and advise others on dating.
