In recent years, ethical non-monogamy has increasingly been promoted by organizations and institutions as a legitimate alternative to monogamy. Despite the United States’ long-standing legacy of monogamy and the limited influence of individuals engaging in behaviors most would have categorized as promiscuity or infidelity, today’s proponents of ENM claim that romantic, sexual, or intimate relationships with multiple people can not only be normal, but ethical. Contrary to the foundational Judeo-Christian understanding of monogamy as natural and religiously ordained – as well as the understanding that human beings are creatures with souls, free will, and the capacity to make moral choices – the sole ethical foundation of ENM is consent. Through the lens of consent, sexual morality is reduced to a single calculation in a contractual exchange – my “enthusiastic yes” for the satisfaction of your desire, regardless of its objective moral dimension.
Paving the Way for ENM
For readers who may be skeptical about the reach of these ideas, it may be useful to point out that in 2020, Somerville, Massachusetts passed “the first multiple-partner domestic partnership ordinance in the country.” In 2022, a New York City judge paved the legal way for polyamory in her ruling on a dispute involving three men and a rent-stabilized apartment, claiming that theirs could have been a “family-like relationship.” So while most Americans going about their day might not encounter ENM coverage or practitioners, the reality is that legal advocacy groups are hard at work enshrining new standards which would significantly undermine the special claims of marriage and family in society. These precedents, while seemingly minuscule and confined to certain parts of the country, could be weaponized against marriage and family even in the highest courts. The waxing cultural acceptance of polyamory and open relationships would eventually reach the legal and political realms, making recognition a matter of compulsion. Celebrity identity announcements which seem far-fetched on their face are celebrated as simply “living your truth” right now, but in a few short years, whether or not you accept their legitimacy could become an intense matter of social respectability – and legal responsibility.
ENM: A Relational Wild West
The world of ENM merely perpetuates the relational wild west which so many campuses have become, tempting the vulnerable to adopt lifestyles based on fleeting pleasure. The primacy of consent empties choice of its moral content and turns justice into a capricious game of words, as we have seen in consent education programs on college campuses. Rather than encouraging young people to embrace the virtues of prudence and temperance, countless campuses either tacitly or openly approve of every sexual choice as long as it’s voluntary and “not hurting anyone.” One never hears about the harms of sexual promiscuity to oneself or others, let alone the importance of marriage and the role of chastity and fidelity in establishing healthy relationships. Instead, apologists for ethical non-monogamy have sometimes cast monogamy as inherently possessive or self-centered, concealing the true nature of marriage as the biological norm and foundation of family life and excusing antisocial behaviors which undermine its integrity. As Silva Kuusniemi wrote in the The New York Times‘ Modern Love column in 2021, the polyamorous “must deal with jealousy, infinite scheduling and complex interpersonal dynamics, while the monoamorous must make peace with “a lack of diversity and newness and the gravity of commitment in a culture of too much choice.” It is certainly challenging to remain chaste and wait for the right person in a culture where, at least theoretically, one has infinite swipes and infinite choices – but this “lack of diversity” and “gravity of commitment” are the natural accompaniments of what is a very serious business.
Monogamy Needs No Cure
Sex carries inherent risks, particularly for women, and these risks are greatly reduced in the context of a loving, chaste relationship oriented toward procreation and spousal unity. For both sexes, even the emotional and spiritual risks of romance and non-sexual intimacy can be grave enough to cause real harm – as many regretful young people have expressed regarding their participation in hookup culture. Though the practice of ENM is still relatively rare, its recent fascination maps on to contemporary preoccupations with desire and consent – the rise of consent education, the proliferation of various sexual and gender identities, as well as dissatisfaction with dating and marriage in the modern world. Consent is a requirement for healthy sexuality, but it is by no means the only criterion by which to judge “good” or “bad” sex – that calls for deeper moral reflection as well as behavioral and emotional restraint. As ENM reaches a new audience of disaffected would-be husbands and wives, it’s become even more pressing to restore a new (old) vision of marriage – one where monogamy needs no cure and human beings are capable of more than simple consent. Rather than fill the gaps by looking elsewhere for personal satisfaction, it’s crucial to encourage open, ongoing communication between spouses and to encourage a sacrificial outlook in their marriage. Of course, this also points to the need for greater social support for marriage and the reality that “it takes a village” applies just as much to marriage as it does to child-rearing. Beginning at home and cultivating virtue within oneself is a great first step to restoring this deeper vision of marriage.
