A recent article in The Guardian tells the stories of longtime dating app-users who quit and found love offline. Many of those interviewed said they left behind dating apps due to “burnout” and “exhaustion,” as well as disturbing demands made people with whom they’d matched. As one woman explained, “it felt exhausting, like a full-time job. I had one guy who wanted me to start sending sexts to him before we’d even had a conversation.” Another woman articulated her sense that the apps themselves engendered bad behavior and transactional attitudes, noting that “you don’t have to reflect or make changes when something goes wrong – you can just swipe to the next person.” Some users have tried their luck on dating apps with great success, but far more have experienced a loss of hope and deteriorating mental health. As long as demand for such apps exists, they will continue to shape the dating landscape – for good and for ill. But the experiences outlined in The Guardian give us a glimpse into how we can best live with these apps, whether we are users or receivers of their society-wide effects.
Finding Joy in Single Life
“Not only did I find dating apps soul-destroying, I was also happy with my single life.”
“We met up a few weeks later to go for a walk and there was no pressure at all. […] It was just two friends doing a fun activity we both enjoyed.”
People have different motivations for using dating apps. Some come with a more transactional and pleasure-seeking mindset, while others are truly looking to settle down and marry. This admixture of differing priorities and high emotional stakes can be exhausting, especially for those in pursuit of a faithful, long-term relationship. Sometimes, accepting a season of singleness by getting offline is the only way to clear your head and restore your vision of what you want most in life. If you’re dissatisfied with your relationships in real-life, perhaps that’s the best place to start – working on yourself, practicing virtue and sorting out priorities. While these actions won’t guarantee a soul mate down the line, they will make your current season of life more meaningful and prepare you for the day you do encounter the right person. It goes without saying that many of those who use dating apps do so because they have already done these things and are ready to find their spouse. But as some Guardian interviewees found, getting offline and getting more involved in their friends and family, work, hobbies, and community groups gave them a sense of relief from the mental and emotional drudgery of swiping. More pertinently, their embrace of real-life connections did often lead them to meet the right person – which brings us to the importance of relying on local community.
Relying on Local Community
“I spent a lot of time getting fit. […] Then, later that year, my trainer asked if I’d like to be introduced to a friend of his who I might like. [..] I had more trust in the relationship straight away, because it felt like he came with a seal of approval.”
“Apps do help you to meet people, but they can be exhausting, because you’re answering the same questions over again. […] I felt like I was trying to explain my existence to strangers.”
It’s no secret that dating pools in many places have shrunk. But those who are struggling to date online should, as urban analyst Aaron Renn urged men to do, “go[] back to the physical world and social circles of yesteryear,” where you can find more opportunities to “convey who you really are and showcase your best attributes.” Dating locally comes with certain drawbacks depending on where you live, such as smaller dating pools and a dearth of places to naturally meet other singles (besides bars and clubs). However, it will also force you to get out of your comfort zone and lean into networks of friends, family, and acquaintances. Today, we are so used to getting places quickly and efficiently, by ourselves – if you live in a city or town, try to take a daily walk along the same route at the same time of day and see whose paths you come across. Who do you meet? Do you know their names, occupations? Do you greet them? Getting to know your neighbors and generally slowing down encourages spontaneous interactions which can expand your existing networks and, in turn, lead you to make a distant romantic connection down the road. It can also decrease loneliness and foster hope to have your little world populated with all kinds of relationships that have the potential to grow by the day, week, month, year. To see the beauty of leaning on community often comes with time, so be patient and trust that even if the process doesn’t immediately yield romantic prospects, it will hearten you to know and be known in this simple way by others.
Embracing Discernment
“The hardest part about dating is working out what someone really wants. I met some nice people, but lots of them were not emotionally capable of being in a real relationship. Often, people don’t even realise that and they just jump from date to date. Meeting someone offline eliminates some of that, as you can get a better picture of who someone is from the start.”
With so many cultural influences and conflicting voices vying for our time and attention, it can be challenging to decide on the best approach to take in dating, let alone discern whether the person we are seeing is potential spouse material. Many times, we find ourselves attracted to someone whose communication style, experiences, and expectations differ so greatly from ours that we end up reacting in the extreme – either cutting things off prematurely or compromising on what is important. Rather than attempt to communicate ourselves to another, we end up blocking the other from truly seeing us. Real life presents us with opportunities to uncover who someone truly is, and to share who we truly are, in a multidimensional way. We get to see each other’s expressions and gesticulations (or lack thereof) and let conversation flow organically. When someone is willing to engage on the level or reality, rather than a message box, we get to see more of who they are than they might or might be able to let on otherwise. Someone whom we might have swiped left on could be the right person for us. Embracing this messy process of discernment in the thrilling and emotional ride that is dating is simply good for us. Real life gives us the opportunity to exercise our powers of will, reason, empathy, and charity and to sit with the consequences. It won’t always spell success, but it will help us become better people and maybe, one day, better spouses.
Healthy Boundaries With Dating Apps
Of course, with such powerful algorithms influencing our pursuit of lasting relationships, it’s paramount to set healthy boundaries when it comes to dating app use. As one man interviewed by The Guardian wrote, “the business model [of dating apps] is the opposite of the stated goal. They need to get more users, not get people together. The more they attract people back, the more money they can make by selling data.” The take is not a completely cynical one. If you’re feeling down on your luck or depressed while using dating apps, perhaps it’s time to step back and reevaluate. Is this app working for you, or are you working for the app? Principles of discernment apply just as much to the dating strategy you’ve employed as to the people you’re dating. Ask yourself some of these questions posed by The Knot to gain more insight into your dating strategy, and don’t be afraid to take the leap in real life!
