Where has dating gone?  For those of us who lament the disappearance of so noble a tradition, the question which inevitably arises is ‘How can we bring dating back?’.

Before I can attempt an answer to this question, there are a few things that I want to suggest.  First: when we speak about dating and relationships with our peers, we speak about ethics.  We might say, for example, that ‘one should only seriously date one person at a time’ or that ‘dating is the best route to marriage’.  But, whatever we might be saying about relationships, we are making claims about the means to human fulfillment or happiness.  ‘Men and women should go on dates,’ we would say, because it will lead to a happy life.  Any statement that makes claims about the means to happiness or human fulfillment is an ethical statement.

Second:  When we argue with our peers about ethical matters, we often are really arguing about each other’s experiences.  I often find that arguments about dating and relationships occur because one party suggests a principle that calls into question what the second party has experienced to be true about life.  Otherwise, people are fairly open-minded about ethical claims.  For example, an argument which concludes that ‘women want men to ask them out’ will certainly be dismissed by a man who has been rejected by women on many occasions.  An argument which demonstrates that ‘men and women in college should date’ will fall on suspicious ears if it is told to a woman who has never seen anything good come from dating.  No matter how strong an argument is, if the conclusion seems to directly contradict a person’s experiences he will regard that argument as suspicious.  Any proof of ‘2+3=4’—no matter how strong, no matter how logical—will be met with doubt.

But what is my point?

Many people in college have never seen or experienced a truly successful date before.  And, if I am correct in saying that when we argue with our peers about dating and relationships we are really arguing about ethics, and further, that when we argue ethics we are often arguing about each other’s experiences, then it seems clear that arguments about dating and relationships are often arguments about the experiences that we have had.  But if my conclusion is valid, then it seems that no mere argument will ever bring dating back to college campuses—no syllogism  will affect the change we desire—for no argument can take the place of an experience which most college students lack.  Some simply must see before they can believe.

Of course, it is vitally important that we be able to articulate our views, and it is likewise essential that our position about dating and relationships be logically coherent.  Arguments are very important.  My point is simply that few converts will be won by reasoned argument alone when a person’s experiences call that argument’s conclusion into question.  One must change a person’s life if he is to change his ethics.

Hence, my final suggestion:  If any real change is ever to be affected on college campuses to restore dating to its previous place in courtship we will have to show dating to be a real option for people.  We will have to show that dating works, that it can be fun, that it can lead to fulfilling relationships and, ultimately, happiness.  How can we accomplish such a goal?  I submit that the answer is perhaps simpler than one might think: we simply start going on dates ourselves.

A small group of my friends recently decided that we were going to start asking women on dates.  What have we found?  When a guy’s friend asks a woman out, the first thing he starts thinking about is doing the same thing.  Guys get into it.  All it takes is one guy to come up with a great date idea, to pull it off, and half of his friends will be clamoring to do the same thing.  Inspired by their friends, guys will actually go to great lengths to make a date successful and memorable.  I imagine that the women find it somewhat interesting to be asked too—though I will not attempt to speak for them.  I bet women even tell their friends about getting asked out on a date.  Imagine that!

What will it take to bring dating back on any given campus?  A group of guys brave enough to ask, witty enough to plan, and sincere enough to be trusted—a group of gentlemen, each willing to approach a woman as something at least a little mysterious, as something worthy of his efforts—and a group of women noble enough to be inspiring, trusting enough to take the guys at their word, and humble enough to give them a chance—that is, a group of ladies.  The rest will take care of itself.  People in college want to date; they just need to see it happen first.

For those wishing to bring dating back on college campuses, a successful date is worth more than a hundred ethical arguments, for a successful and inspired date is beautiful.

Special Thanks to David Laprade.  David Laprade is a senior at Providence College and a member of the Anscombe Society.  He holds the position of Research Manager.

Filed under: College, courtship, dating, friendship | 3 Comments »

When I was younger, my brother and I would often stay up late into the night talking about girls and boys (respectively) and how we could get them to like us. It was an intriguing exercise to be sure, although I’m not sure why it was important to either of us, as neither of us intended to date for a good part of a decade later.

Still, it was. And I don’t think we were too unique as children. In fact, it has been suggested by some scholars that the mean age for first sexual attraction is much earlier than the previously supposed marker of completion of puberty, at ten years of age (McClintock & Herdt, 1996). It could be supposed, then, that children are thinking and talking about sexual attraction even earlier than that.

All of this suggests an important need to consider the messages that children are receiving and assimilating about boys and girls and their interactions, perhaps at even younger ages than we think.

One ad for the now popular Toy Story 3 is publicized through a Ken doll instructing children (and other members of the targeted audience) as to what will make them successful in dating and perhaps “liked” now.

In the above clip, Ken says, “It’s important to make a good first impression. Make sure you highlight your strengths.” Ken’s self attributed strengths are a solid ride, solid physique, and solid hair.

What could boys and girls (males and females) take from this ad? Do boys learn that the strengths that will attract girls to them are solid physical characteristics and solid vehicles? Do girls learn that they should find interest in “solid” males or go running to males that love themselves? Most importantly, how long do such subtlety-absorbed messages affect individuals personally and in their interactions with the opposite sex?

Data has repeatedly shown that the qualities most highly associated with a “solid” relationship (i.e. relationship satisfaction) are kindness and flexibility, capturing a willingness to acknowledge and work with another (Busby, 2001). Additional research has shown that sacrifice and forgiveness have a transformative affect upon relationships (Fincham, Stanley, & Beach, 1997). Yet despite the accumulating evidence in support of selfless attributes for the success of male-female relationships, individuals are continually absorbing subtle and outright messages that convey that a particular focus on solidifying self will lend to the other sex taking interest.

Ironically, the pursuit of these messages leads to a deterioration of solid relationships. Of course in one sense, Ken is completely right—guys that love themselves seem to attract a lot of women. This offers an easy answer to people entirely seeking how to get the attention of the opposite sex. But somewhere in the competitive nature of individualism there are ensuing consequences that even those who promote it end up personally suffering. Always at the mercy of each other’s interests, someone has to lose out in individualistically-approached relationships. Individuals are abandoned, burned, and broken-hearted when the other romantic party abruptly considers them disposable based on his or her own self-interest. This is especially evidenced in the hook-up culture, among an audience who grew up with less outright messages in their Toy Story movies.

Imagine the long term affect, then, on the next decade’s college students of the more outright messages of today’s Toy Story cartoon and other current popular media. It certainly gives rise to the need for messages that counter the current cultural tide. What could males and females take from the example of those who swim against this tide? Could males learn that the strengths that will attract women to them include a solid sense of dignity, as developed through other-oriented kindness? Could females learn that there is increased strength in romantic relationships by finding interest in a man who is willing to love and be flexible with them as much as himself?

Now in our twenties, my brother and I still talk about girls and boys, but the nature of our conversations has changed. We talk about kindness, forgiveness, and sacrifice and their affect upon lasting relationships. He will marry a kind, beautiful girl in August, and depart from a culture that emphasizes the importance of having the “ladies come running” to instead sacrifice for and stand by his fiancée. He will provide her with a solid confidence that, much more than how he can continually “get” her to be impressed with him, he is concerned with how he can love her.  And that will sustain a solid romantic relationship.

Sources

Busby, D. M. (2001). RELATE: Relationship evaluation of the individual, family, cultural and couple contexts. Family Relations, 50(4), 308-316.

Fincham, F. D., Stanley, S. M., & Beach, S. R. H. (1997). Transformative processes in marriage: An analysis of emerging trends, Journal of Marriage and Family, 69(2), 275-292.

McClintock, M. K., & Herdt, G. (1996). Rethinking puberty: The development of sexual attraction. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 5(6), 178-183.

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In this recent Wall Street Journal article, Hannah Seligson discusses college dating website GoodCrush.com.  GoodCrush has two main features: one is a Missed Connections message board where students can post anonymous public entries with the hope that they will be read by the object of their affection.  A typical example: “In the Weight Room: Hey, you were sitting on the bench, I think we shared a glance but you looked away.  Wanna hang out or something?”  The other (much creepier) feature of the website is the CrushFinder, in which students can “crush” up to 5 people; if this crushing is mutual, they receive notifications indicating that it’s a match.

Seligson offers an interesting commentary on the social implications of GoodCrush, writing:

It’s not exactly spontaneous or romantic. It makes one long for John Cusack asking out the most popular girl in the class in “Say Anything.”

But the ’80s are over. “People in college need the electronic middleman,” says Ms. Johnson. “I would never have had the courage to just go up and talk to him.” After the site launched at William & Mary in February, Ms. Johnson says she saw an increase in the number of people going on dates. “GoodCrush helped foster other parts of the romantic culture,” she says.

…

“My experience has been that people just aren’t that forward,” says Jennifer Werbitsky, 18, a sophomore at Cornell. GoodCrush allays those age-old fears about rejection… But what are the drawbacks of cultivating a risk-free dating culture, where college students can get email verification that it’s safe to ask the other person out? Won’t their parents and grandparents accuse them of being a bunch of chickens?

…

[GoodCrush founder] Mr. Weinstein believes that in a culture where texting has replaced talking and no-strings-attached sexual encounters are common, GoodCrush has the potential to facilitate more traditional dating interactions.

As an undergraduate at Princeton, (GoodCrush’s school of origin,) I am quite familiar with the popularity of GoodCrush.  It is worth noting that this popularity seems to be largely due to its entertainment value: it is interesting to read the comments that people post on the Missed Connections board, and I know far more people who use GoodCrush for this purpose than who use it to pursue love.  (I don’t know any couples who have actually admitted to getting together via GoodCrush.  Perhaps it’s just a well-kept secret, but GoodCrush doesn’t seem to be responsible for much real romance.)  But whether or not GoodCrush effectively promotes dating, the website’s popularity and the platform upon which it is based reveal something noteworthy about campus dating culture, and about what undergrads want.

At one level, GoodCrush is a culmination of the hookup culture: it caters to and encourages our cowardice, along with the unromantic attitudes that accompany it.  And although GoodCrush requires a modicum of initiative, the decision to crush someone is risk-free, and in this way shows the influences of our hookup mentality.  After all, in a “no-strings-attached” hookup, with no premise of sincere affection, a student can sidle closer to the object of his affection without risking real rejection.  GoodCrush is the same, and has many of the same negative implications for our generation.  Unwilling to take on risks, we have failed to grow up in a normal fashion; instead, (as illustrated by GoodCrush fixation,) we are stranded in the emotional world of seventh graders, unwilling to risk rejection for the sake of our romantic interests.  Although problematic, hopefully this longing for a more old fashioned sort of love can offer us a path to redemption.

GoodCrush could use our desires to more productive ends: by remaining mostly risk free, it would maintain its appeal, but could slowly add risk in, to make us less wimpy.  (For instance, it would be great if, upon crushing someone, there was a 5% chance that they’d be notified, even if the crushing isn’t mutual.  Over time, this percentage could increase until, to our shock, we realized it would be easier to just ask them out to coffee!)  Although the risk might provide its own attraction, I realize this will almost certainly not happen: after all, someone else could just build a risk-free version to which we cowards would efficiently flee.

If, as Ms. Johnson suggests, GoodCrush has actually contributed to a culture of dating, this would be good, insofar as it encourages people to ask one another out on (non-GoodCrush) dates.  This is not inconceivable: dating would come to be considered a more normal activity, and so people could pursue it in a more frequent fashion.  This would prove a neat solution to the current problem in the college dating market: that, because dating is so rare, asking someone out seems to indicate that you’re really crazy about the person in question, and thus puts the asker at greater risk of rejection than would previously have been the case.  In this regard, GoodCrush might manage to decrease, and justly, the risk involved in asking someone out the old fashioned way.

Sadly, I’m not inclined to believe that a phenomenon so symptomatic of our cowardice will actually encourage us to assume more risks.  It also seems that by trying to jump from a seventh grade mentality to a more mature one so quickly, we risk missing a critical step.  (This is the dating equivalent to what happened in Russia, where they skipped right past capitalism on their way to Communism… and we all know how that turned out!)  Hopefully, we will somehow manage to emerge as functional adults with a functional dating system, but at this point, I’m unconvinced that something as reliant on our problems as GoodCrush can really prove instrumental in alleviating them.

Audrey Pollnow is a sophomore at Princeton University and a member of the Anscombe Society at Princeton.  She is currently employed as a summer intern at the Witherspoon Institute in Princeton, NJ.

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We would like to take a moment to recognize the “Art of Manliness,”  a website dedicated to men, for men, by men.  While claiming to be committed to the task of “reclaiming the lost art of manliness”,  this website ranges in topics in everything from “How to Tie a Tie” to “How to Enter a Room Like a Man.”  There are some topics contained therein, however, that we find particularly pertinent to our work.  Not the least of which is this popular favorite, “Stop Hanging Out with Women and Start Dating Them.”  An extremely timeless bit of advice worth considering, we wanted to share it with all of our gentlemen readers.  While we wouldn’t go quite as far as to blatantly state that “Men today are wussies,” as this article asserts, we would like to encourage and bolster all their attempts to bring back the dating culture with the classic phrase, “can I take you to dinner?” for example.  We are willing to bet that it will be a refreshing change, and might even be… fun!

Over the past few years, many social observers have noted that young adults are dating less. Instead, dating is being replaced by “hanging out” with members of the opposite sex. Dating and hanging out are two completely different things.

Hanging out consists of people getting together in groups and doing stuff together. It could be going to a club, a restaurant, or just staying home and playing Wii. The atmosphere is relaxed and relations among opposite sexes never rises above the level of friendship. There is nothing wrong with hanging out, but it is not a replacement for dating.

Dating consists of pairing off with someone in a temporary commitment so you can get to know the person better and perhaps start a long term relationship with them.

Why the decline in dating?

There are probably lots of factors that have contributed to the decline of dating amongst young adults. Here are few possible ones:

1. Young adults don’t like to commit. It seems like people in my generation aren’t big on making commitments to people or to organizations. Generation Y is too busy trying to “find themselves” in order to commit to anybody or anything. Companies have complained about the turn over rate of Generation Y. Companies invest lots of money training new employees only to have them leave after two years so they can find a new job. This reluctance to commit has carried over to the interaction between the sexes. Young adults don’t want to be tied down to someone just in case they get an itch to go on a backpacking trip to Europe.

2. The internet has retarded Generation Y’s social skills. Instead of telling a person directly that they’re interested in them by asking them on a date, Generation Y sends Crush alerts on Facebook. While the internet has made connecting with people easier, it has also made us lazier at establishing meaningful relationships. If you’re over 18 and you’re still using Facebook applications to let someone know you’re interested in them, you need to be punched in the face.

3. Feminism. Before I receive the wrath of all the feminists telling me it’s a typical man thing to blame women for the decline in dating, I ask that you hear me out. I think feminism is great. It’s great that women can choose to have a career, be a stay-at-home mom, or do both.

But it does make things confusing for men. Navigating relations among the sexes is a bit more tricky today. Men have all these questions go through their head: Who asks? If I ask, will she think I’m too forward? Who pays for the date? Do we split the bill? All these uncertainties cause men to avoid dating altogether and opt for hanging out with women instead.

4. Men today are wussies. Men today aren’t very resilient. They don’t know how to handle rejection or failure, so they avoid rejection or failure by not asking women out on dates.

Why date?

A lot of men today don’t seem to believe it, but getting hitched to the right woman is a very desirable thing.

So while there is nothing wrong with hanging out, it’s not a replacement for dating. Dating is the pathway to finding your true love and eventually settling down and getting married. Marriage is a one on one relationship, so you need to start getting to know women on a one on one basis. You might be hanging out with her and your friends right now, but if you don’t take her on date, she’ll forever be just your friend. So, start dating and stop hanging out. It really is not that hard to get a date with a woman. Here are some guidelines to remember as you take hanging out up a level to dating. Read more »

Filed under: Masculinity, courtship, dating | 1 Comment »

Flannery O’Conner once said: “Push as hard as the age that pushes against you.”  On campuses across the country,  sexual license abounds.  Yet some students refuse to take part in the vicious cycle of hook-ups and break-ups by establishing groups that support sexual integrity.  Viviana Garcia, former co-president of the Anscombe Society at Providence College and current summer intern at the Love and Fidelity Network captures the story…

Journey’s song Faithfully is always a hit on college campuses, often played at dances and sports events, and crooned in dorm rooms. The irony is that the song’s popularity reflects very little of the real state of affairs on college campuses, which have been at the center of the hedonistic world for decades.

High school seniors receive letters of admittance that are the first tangible symbol of their complete “independence”. Yet, while they leave home prepared to face a different environment, difficult professors, new friends, tough courses and a new social scene, there is one thing they are sadly unprepared for: the temptation to grasp at fleeting emotional and physical liaisons.

By definition liaisons are sexual relationships that involve unfaithfulness to a partner. Not, in the case of the typical student, to a spouse (except in a futuristic sense) but to the person he or she agrees to casually couple with, and to themselves. Thanks to a society that no longer believes in healthy boundaries nor explains why they are important, students on college campuses are learning to be experts in infidelity; they are studying how to lie and cheat with their bodies and affections.

How is that? A complete bodily union without commitment conveys the message “I will give of myself this much, but not more,” and in that sense, the person is withholding a part of him or herself: his or her full commitment and trust. The fact that this attitude is mutual does not make it any less harmful. When commitment and trust are missing, there is nothing solidifying the relationship, and the results are disastrous.

Ask any college student on your choice of campuses across the United States and few would contest that the hook-up culture has wiped out the dating scene and has emerged as primary mode of interacting among young adults. Whereas pre-marital sex was once kept secret for fear of shame and embarrassment, in particular for women, is now the rule in nearly every dorm throughout the year, without any consideration as to whether it is a healthy practice for the individual or not.

It’s interesting that students spend endless hours in libraries analyzing whether their final paper on Plato’s Republic will secure them an A and bring them one step closer to the best GPA they can attain; yet, when it comes to their deepest feelings and emotions, they do not give a moment’s thought to whether their actions will promote a favorable long-term outcome for them and their partner. According to a recent poll at Hamilton College, for example, “70% of students said it was difficult to find new long-term relationship partners”, while at Vanderbilt University students reported that “sex is ‘treated really casually’.” Read more »

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Summer is here.  It’s that time of the year to spend lazy hours on the beach with friends, soaking up the sun rays, catching a few waves, or playing beach volleyball.  According to this recent study done at Princeton, what a woman wears to the beach can have significant impact on those around her, unbeknown to her.   A friend of mine shared this article with me, and I had to share it with you, also.

Male college students at Princeton University recently took part in studies of how the male brain reacts to seeing people wearing different amounts of clothing. The test subjects were placed in a brain scanner and for a fraction of a second were shown photographs of women in bikinis, as well as men and women dressed modestly.

When the young men viewed the scantily clad women, the part of their brain associated with tool use lit up. Even though some of the images were shown for as little as two-tenths of a second, the most easily remembered photographs were of bikini-clad women whose heads were cropped off the photos!

The purpose of the research, according to Susan Fiske, a professor of psychology at Princeton University, was to examine ways in which people view others as a means to an end. The findings of the research were presented during the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, held in Chicago.

Researchers also discovered that when some of the men viewed scantily clad females, the men’s medial pre-frontal cortex was deactivated. This is the region of the brain associated with analyzing a person’s thoughts, intentions, and feelings. Fiske remarked, “It is as if they are reacting to these women as if they are not fully human.” She added, “It is a preliminary study but it is consistent with the idea that they are responding to these photographs as if they were responding to objects rather than people.” Read more »

Filed under: Gender, Sexuality | 3 Comments »

Just for fun!  This is the most elaborate proposal video you will ever see!

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Please take a moment to read this thought-provoking article by Genevieve Fiorito.  In a culture where dating has been replaced by “hanging out” and friends become “friends with benefits,” many young adults are left confused and wondering “just what exactly is going on?”  If you like this, please feel free to share with your friends!  Do you have any comments to add?

Are we friends? Are we dating? Are we on a date? Does she know I’m asking her out on a date? All of these questions are answered by making sure that your boundaries aren’t blurred.

“Girls don’t call boys”, my mom used to say. I thought she was ridiculous. (Love you Mom!) In this day in age it’s hard to tell what sort of behavior is appropriate between the sexes- on and off the dance floor!

Texting, Facebooking, emailing, and mobile phones have provided us with the benefit of being much more connected with others. They can be wonderful avenues to propagate friendships, but, as I discovered, they can also be huge impediments to having healthy boundaries.

Technology has progressed much faster than our dating traditions. Dating traditions have been thrown out the window and it’s left both the men and the women in the dating scene wondering what’s going on.

During my (abundantly) numerous years as a single woman looking for a good man, I read many books on dating. They were either horrendously out of date, expected me to be a “Sex In the City”-modern-gal, or written for 13 year olds.

So I had to learn the hard way: by trial and error, heartache after heartache, and by setting boundaries and then quickly realizing they needed to be revamped. To save you from (some) of the mess that I had to endure (btw, some of it is impossible to avoid), I thought I’d give you some tips.

Don’t blurrrr your bounnnndaries. Read more »

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We invite you to listen to a recent radio interview with Princeton’s Anscombe members David Pederson, Shivani Radhakrishnan, and Lauren Kustner as they join “Ethics Talk” to discuss the virtue of chastity on campuses:

The Virtue of Chastity; a Discussion with Princeton’s Anscombe Society

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Originally published by the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute on the subject and republished on “Back to the Best” this article encourages women to help men strive to be chivalrous by means of their own self-respect and extending sincere appreciation to the men in their lives who are true gentlemen.

The Crusade to Claim Back Chivalry: Guys Speak

Who says guys can’t communicate?

A recent poll I conducted at an international conference hosted by “Young Americas Foundation” suggests that guys are quite ready to give their opinion, if we girls will only listen.  Unfortunately, when the opinion refers to the almost extinct idea of “chivalry” and the now too popular presence of radical feminism, many women are quick to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to men.

We rarely hear about chivalry anymore.  Yet many women spend their days lamenting its loss and wondering what went wrong as they face broken relationships and marriages, or the invariable outcry– “Where have all the good guys gone?” Read more »

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